


Redeem My Life Again

by Keolah



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon - Video Game, Drama, F/M, Interspecies Romance, POV First Person, PTSD, Present Tense, Time Travel, ending spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2017-11-29 12:45:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keolah/pseuds/Keolah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Too much lost. Too many dead. Shepard uses the Crucible to go back in time three years in hopes that this time, there is still something left to save.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Too High a Price

This is the end.

I'm on the Citadel. I can hardly believe I made it. Everywhere hurts. I should be dead. And yet I still live, for the moment, practically crawling my way forward.

It hardly seems worth it, to save the galaxy after losing so much. The faces of friends gone forever. The images of worlds burning.

So many dead. So many worlds lost. Entire races wiped out or already on the verge of extinction.

A boy appears before me, like a ghost. The boy whose death has haunted my dreams ever since I left Earth on this desperate mission.

"You've done it," he tells me. "You've completed the Crucible. You've accomplished what no other cycle has previously managed to do."

"Great," I mutter. I don't care if this is some sort of VI or just a hallucination. "It doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment. So is that it? Will the Reapers be destroyed now?"

The boy raises a translucent arm, gesturing toward a blurry red area. "The power of the Crucible will destroy all machine life in the galaxy."

"All?" I repeat. "Not just the Reapers? The geth, too? Even EDI?"

"All," the boy says. "There might be collateral damage as well. Other technology may also be affected." He cocks his head at me. "I'm sure it will be rebuilt in time, however. Such is the way of organic life."

"If I do this, then what did Legion die for?" I utter. "What did _Tali_ die for?" I slump down to the floor, and whisper, "What did any of them die for?"

"I'm afraid that's the only option available to you," the boy says, not seeming apologetic in the least. "Perhaps if things had gone better, if you had made other choices along the way, there might be a better solution for you, if you are dissatisfied with that."

"I can't accept that," I say, shaking my head weakly. I'm going to die up here, and everyone's sacrifices were for nothing. Maybe all the organic races in the galaxy will be wiped out, but the geth will survive?

 _I'd feel better if we had a tighter plan_ , Joker had said. _Like time travel, or teaching the Reapers to love._

"Give me another option," I choke out. "Give me another chance."

"What are you asking for?"

"Send me back in time," I rasp, coughing up blood. "Send me back far enough to make a difference. To save them... to save them all..."

The boy cocks his head at me thoughtfully.

"Can it be done?" I ask. "Can it? Tell me... If you can destroy all machine life in the galaxy, what else can you do?"

"It can be done, perhaps," the boy says. "I cannot send your physical body back, of course. The Crucible was not designed for that. But your memories? Yes. I could send them back to the first time you were on the Citadel. No further."

"Do it," I say, eyes widening with the first surge of hope I'd felt in a long time. "That's three years. That's enough time... it'll have to be..."

"Do you think you can do what you mean to do in three years?" the boy asks. "You never even asked why any of this was happening. Why the cycles began in the first place."

"If you're going to tell me, then tell me, but I'm not going to change my mind," I say.

"The Reapers were meant to preserve organic life, to prevent it from being completely obliterated by machine life," the boy says.

"Stop," I say. "I've heard enough."

"I've only just started."

"Yeah, and I'm going to finish this," I say with a ragged sigh. "This whole thing was obviously something gone horribly wrong somewhere along the way. I will find a better solution. Send me back."

"Very well," the boy says. "It is your choices that will shape the future."

It will be all up to me, like it always has been. But it's a chance. A chance I had never before seriously considered possible, until all else was lost.

Another path appears before me, this one lit with hazy purple light. Slowly, painfully, I climb to my feet again, feeling like the weight of the galaxy is bearing down upon me. I don't know if I would have been able to move another inch for the sake of destroying everything I'd fought for. But for this hope? I will crawl forward by my fingernails if need be.

Around me, beyond the Crucible, Earth is burning. The allied fleet is being torn apart by the Reapers to give me this chance. I can't see them any longer. My vision is failing, and I can hardly see what's in front of me, never mind spot tiny ships at astronomical distances.

 _I will save you,_ I think wearily. _I will save you all._

I stumble into the machinery, surrounded by purple light, and grab a hold of the switches before me. It takes all of my remaining strength to pull them.

Violet lightning surges through my body. I did not think that the pain could get any worse than it already was. I'm dying, but that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore. It will be over soon, I tell myself as darkness envelops me.


	2. A Heart Full of Pain

I wake with a start in a darkened room. Weak, I feel so _weak_. Did something go wrong? Where am I? I fumble about for a light, and the room brightens after a moment of searching.

Is this the Citadel? Did I really go back in time? I stand up slowly. The gravity is a little lower than Earth-normal, explaining some of my disorientation, but not the feeling of weakness.

I make my way into the bathroom, splash water on my face, and then blink at my image in the mirror. I can hardly recognize the woman who looks back at me. The livid scars that had covered my face for months have vanished. My eyes are blue again, no longer glowing eerily red. My red hair hangs down to my shoulders, not the crew cut I had after my resurrection that never seemed too eager to grow out again.

It occurs to me that if I don't have the Cerberus implants any longer, then I'm back to being a normal human being again. I hadn't realized how much I'd come to rely upon technology to strengthen my bones and muscles like that.

I did it, then. I really did it. I've gone back in time. I can stop the war before it begins, or at least prepare for it better this time around.

Shit. I have a lot of work to do.

First things first, however, I check my omnitool's day planner to see if there's anything I was actually supposed to be doing today. I would hate to miss the departure of the Normandy or something. Good thing, too, as it's leaving dock in twenty minutes and I was supposed to be on board over an hour ago at least. Damn it, leave it to me to oversleep after going back in time. I can just imagine Captain Anderson's face if I tried to give him that excuse.

No time for breakfast. I hurriedly get dressed, grab my few possessions - most of them weapons - and make my way to the lift. I _hadn't_ forgotten how slow these damned lifts can be. I step into one and growl quietly, tapping my foot impatiently while it takes its sweet time in getting me to where I need to be.

I step into the Normandy's airlock to go through decontamination, with five minutes to spare. Once through, I take a right and stride into the command center.

I salute smartly at Captain Anderson. "Commander Shepard, reporting for duty, sir."

"Shepard!" Anderson says. "I was starting to think you weren't going to make it."

"Sorry, sir," I reply. "Something came up at the last minute. It's been taken care of, though."

"I tried contacting you, but you didn't answer the comm," Anderson says.

There's a grunt beside me, and a turian voice says, "Shepard is late. Not a very good first impression."

Nihlus. Of course _he's_ here. What a dick. I never liked him, and he never liked me. But I'm still going to save his ass if at all possible. Whatever I might think of him, he didn't deserve to be shot in the back by a man he'd believed to be his friend.

"It can't be helped," I tell him. "Who are you? Don't tell me they're letting turians join the Alliance military now."

"Shepard, this is Nihlus Kryik," Anderson says. "He's a Council Spectre. I assume you are familiar with the Spectres?"

"Yes, sir," I reply, still looking at Nihlus. "What sort of mission are we on that warrants having a Spectre aboard, sir?"

"I'll brief you on our mission later," Anderson says. "Go ahead and get settled in first."

"Yes, sir."

I head down to the crew quarters to drop off my belongings. There are so many things that I could be doing to prepare for the coming of the Reapers, and here I am, just going through the motions of normal life. Putting away my clothes, tucking my weapons and armor into my locker.

I need to figure out how I'm going to do this. Should I tell someone that I'm from the future? Would anyone even believe me? Anderson would, I'm sure. If there's anyone in this time that I can really confide in, it would be him.

* * *

"At least you showed up early for the briefing," Nihlus says as I step into the briefing room. Captain Anderson hasn't arrived yet, leaving me alone with the stuck-up turian for the moment.

I grunt at him, just like he did when I came in late. I don't need to explain myself to him.

"I was hoping for a chance to speak with you in private before our mission," Nihlus says.

"Were you," I say flatly.

"I'm interested in the world we're going to," Nihlus says. "Eden Prime. A human colony. I hear it's quite beautiful."

"No you're not," I reply. Nihlus had been the first turian I'd met, and I hadn't been the least bit familiar with turian body language at the time. Now, after spending so much time around Garrus and other turians, I realize how plainly obvious it is that his apparent small talk isn't just casual interest in a pretty planet. Of course, knowing why he's really here helps as well.

"Hmm?" Nihlus says in some confusion.

"You're not interested in Eden Prime," I say, folding my arms across my chest and looking at him. "You're interested in _me_."

"What makes you say that?" Nihlus says, his mandibles twitching in surprise.

"Never mind," I say, sighing and shaking my head. "I'll explain everything when Captain Anderson gets here."

I think I'll tell them both the truth. It'll be easier than trying to catch Anderson alone, and I'm not too concerned about Nihlus knowing, anyway. If he listens to me, he'll survive. If he doesn't, it won't matter that he knows I'm from the future anyway. I don't think it's likely that he's going to be sitting down and having a chat with Saren about me or anything.

Thankfully, Anderson doesn't keep me waiting for much longer. "Shepard, good, you're here."

Before he can even get started on the briefing, I hold up my hand. "Let's skip the briefing. I already know all about the Prothean beacon. And I know that Nihlus is here to evaluate me for Spectre status."

"Ah," Anderson says. "Did Nihlus tell you already?"

Nihlus shakes his head and looks at me strangely. "I'm waiting on your explanation, Shepard."

I take a deep breath. "This room is secure, at least. I'd rather not let this get out."

"What is it, Shepard?" Anderson asks.

"I'm from the future," I say.

"What?" Nihlus says. "That's ridiculous."

"Shepard?" Anderson says, raising an eyebrow. "Go on."

"Three years in the future, specifically," I say. "I was able to send my memories back in time in order to attempt to prevent a disaster of galactic proportions. That's why I was late for the Normandy. It appears that I'd been asleep since I arrived on the Citadel, absorbing my future memories, apparently."

"Time travel is impossible," Nihlus says. "Purely in the realm of fiction."

I cast him a glare, but continue. "I can prove it. Eden Prime is about to be attacked. A massive sentient dreadnought that looks like a giant metallic horror with tentacles, like something Lovecraft would have dreamed up. An army of geth, led by Saren Arterius."

"Saren?" Anderson and Nihlus say in unison.

"Why would Saren be working with the geth?" Anderson wonders.

"Don't send Jenkins down to the planet," I say. "He'll just die the minute he makes contact with the enemy without managing to kill a single one of them. The only survivor of the local brigade will be Ashley Williams. And Nihlus will be shot in the back by Saren, who convinces him to let down his guard."

"Captain, surely you don't believe this absurd story?" Nihlus says, glancing to Anderson.

"The Reapers are coming!" I say, glaring at Nihlus. "They're the ones who wiped out the Protheans fifty thousand years ago, and untold numbers of civilizations before them. An ancient race of partially organic machines that has been harvesting sentient species for millions of years, in order to create more of themselves. They can control the minds of anyone who has extended contact with them, and--"

"Enough!" Anderson barks. "Shepard, I want you to go down to the med bay and have Dr. Chakwas check you out."

"I'm not crazy or delusional, Captain!" I insist, clenching my fists at my sides.

"Then Dr. Chakwas can figure that out," Anderson says. "For now, I'm taking you off this mission."

"I'm not done yet!" I say. "There's more you need to know! The beacon -- the beacon contains information, a warning about the Reapers left by the Protheans. Saren will use it, and then set bombs to try to blow up the spaceport. They'll need to be disarmed quickly. Then it'll activate again for whoever comes close to it, and explode afterward--"

"Shepard!" Anderson says, rubbing his head. "Report to med bay at once, or I will have you escorted there, have I made myself clear?"

I stare at him for a long moment, then sigh and slump my shoulders. "I thought you, of all people, would believe me. Sir." I turn to head for the door, then pause and look back at him. "You'll see. You'll see that I'm telling the truth. I've given my warning. No one ever heeds my warnings."

I stalk out of the briefing room and down to the med bay. My heart is pounding, and I'm not sure whether to scream or cry. Of course things weren't going to be that easy. I only hope that it doesn't take a galactic invasion before anyone will listen to me this time.

Dr. Chakwas directs me to lay down on one of the beds, and I reluctantly comply. They'll see. I'm not crazy. The doctor gives me something that knocks me out almost immediately.

* * *

I wake slowly, blinking up at the doctor's face as my vision slowly clears.

"Well, doc?" I say. "What's the diagnosis? I'm sane, right? Am I cleared to down to the planet now?"

"While I've detected some slightly abnormal brain activity, I do not believe that is the issue any longer," Dr. Chakwas says.

"Doctor," Captain Anderson says. "Could you give us some privacy? I'd like to speak with them alone."

"Of course, Captain," Dr. Chakwas says, stepping out of the med bay.

"Them?" I say, raising an eyebrow, and glance around the room. Nihlus is laying on the bed next to mine, rubbing his head. "What happened?"

"It was... exactly like you said, Shepard," Nihlus says quietly, slowly raising himself to a sitting position. "Everything happened just like you described it."

"Wait, what?" I say, snapping my head toward Anderson. "You sent them down without me, sir?"

"I did," Anderson says. "I couldn't be sure about you, and the mission would not wait."

"Surely you must have realized I was telling the truth once the attack started!" I exclaim.

"At that point, I could not be sure that you weren't involved in it somehow," Anderson says.

"We thought it best not to take any chances in that regard," Nihlus says. "But Saren appeared and tried to kill me. I could not believe it. If it weren't for your warning, I would have been taken completely offguard. At that point, I met up with Alenko and Williams and we continued on to the spaceport. The beacon..." He rubs his forehead. "It activated when I got close to it. Images... visions? Nightmares, really..."

"Jenkins... didn't make it," Anderson says.

"You sent him down anyway?" I growl. "I warned you that it would get him killed, and you still sent him down there?"

"Calm down, Shepard!"

I clench my teeth, glaring at him. "I came back to try to save people, damn it!"

"And you did," Nihlus says. "You saved _me_. Don't think I'm ungrateful. I'm still having a hard time believing this all myself."

I let out a heavy sigh and slump back onto the bed, putting my hand to my forehead. "Jenkins didn't need to die."

Nihlus slides off the bed and comes over to put a hand on my shoulder. "Shepard. We believe you now. _I_ believe you. I've seen the Prothean vision for myself. And I'm damned well going to do anything in my power to stop what I've seen from happening."

I drop my hand and stare up into those green turian eyes. I never liked him. But at this point, I'll take any ally I can get. I nod tersely, let out a ragged sigh, and climb to my feet.

"We will need to make our report to the Council," Anderson says. "But afterward, Shepard, I want you to come in for a full psych eval."

"Captain?" I say, looking over at him and frowning.

Anderson holds up a hand. "From the future or otherwise, I need to make sure that you're stable, Shepard. You've clearly been under a great deal of stress."

I let out a heavy sigh, and give a nod. "Yes, sir."

"Good. We're heading in for the Citadel," Anderson says. "We'll need to tell the Council what happened. The question is, what are we going to tell them?"

"The Council will never believe us," I grumble. "Not until the Reapers are raining fire down on Palaven."

"I'm sure they'll see reason," Nihlus says. "Especially if I'm vouching for what you say."

"I can only hope so," I say with a snort. "But I'm not going to hold my breath."

* * *

Udina meets up with us outside the Council chamber. Of all the casualties of the Reaper War, I miss Udina the least. I'll dearly love the opportunity to be able to just shoot him again.

"Geth running rampant, the beacon destroyed, a rogue Spectre, could this get any worse?" Udina says.

"Yes," I reply flatly.

We step up to give our report to the Council. I let Nihlus do the talking here, on the off chance that they actually might listen to him more, and if nothing else, he's probably more diplomatic than I am anyway.

"Spectre," the turian councillor says. "I have read your report. Explain what happened on Eden Prime. You claim that _Saren_ tried to kill you?"

Nihlus nods. "He did. I narrowly escaped with my life."

"Nihlus, my protege, have you stooped to slandering me now?" Saren's holographic image says.

"You tried to kill me!" Nihlus snaps.

"Do not allow this falling out to cloud your judgment," Saren tells the Council. "Nihlus has always had a bit of a rebellious streak, after all."

"Nihlus, what happened to the beacon?" the salarian councillor asks.

"The Prothean beacon exploded, but not before it imparted a series of images in my mind," Nihlus says. "A warning, perhaps the last warning sent by the Protheans before they were wiped out. The galaxy is in grave danger. The beings which wiped out the Protheans are still a threat, and are due to return. Soon."

"Does it not seem convenient that the beacon was destroyed so that no one else can confirm this information?" Saren says.

"I agree," the asari councillor says. "While you have been a competent Spectre, Nihlus, we have only your word to go on that Saren was even present on Eden Prime."

"You seem to have a personal grievance against him," the turian councillor says.

"This is getting us nowhere," I mutter. It's moments like these that make me not particularly sorry about leaving them to die, in the other life. And I'd gladly do it again if it were necessary.

"Spectre Nihlus," the salarian councillor says. "We respect your word. However, we cannot take action against another Spectre without clear evidence against him."

"Then we will bring you back your evidence," I say. I turn on my heel and walk away without another word.

Nihlus follows me after a moment, trotting to catch up. "That could have gone better."

"What did I tell you?" I mutter to Nihlus as we head for the lift. "It's like beating your head against a brick wall. The Council has _never_ listened to me. They might make you a Spectre and let you do whatever you want, and still think you're delusional."

"I thought they would have at least listened to _me_ ," Nihlus says.

"Shepard, are you mad?" Udina growls, catching up to us. "What was that insane story you told the Council supposed to prove? An ancient machine race threatening to invade the galaxy? That's preposterous! Are you _trying_ to sabotage our chances of getting a human in the Spectres?"

I sigh and roll my eyes.

"I have already submitted my recommendation that Shepard be made a Spectre," Nihlus says, giving Udina a look.

"Udina, don't you have something better to do than berate me for doing my job?" I say. "I'm sure you have an actual job to do yourself. Of some sort. We, on the other hand, have work to do."

Udina blusters as I step into the lift along with Nihlus and Anderson. I slam my hand into the panel, and the doors close. The lift takes us away, leaving Udina behind on this floor.

"Is it wise to antagonize Ambassador Udina, Shepard?" Anderson says.

"Udina can go fuck himself," I mutter.

"What did he do to deserve _that_ sort of ire?" Anderson wonders.

I glance around, and wonder just what sort of surveillance the Citadel might have. "I don't want to talk here," I say. "But trust me. I have my reasons."

"I'm assuming by your quick promise of evidence that you know where to get something they'll believe?" Nihlus says.

I nod sharply. "I've got a fair idea."

I can't guarantee that I'll always know what will happen, especially now that I've started changing things. Knowledge of the future will only go so far. But at least for the moment, I can still be reasonably sure of what to expect. My old companions will still be exactly where I met them before. Now I just need to try to avoid getting them horribly killed one by one this time around.


	3. Tormenting Ghosts of Yesterday

"You want me to do a psych eval _now_ , sir?" I say, looking incredulously at Captain Anderson as we step into the Normandy airlock.

"I'm sorry, Shepard, but I need to be sure of you before I can let you out of my sight," Anderson replies.

"But... the mission... the evidence... some of this is time-sensitive information, sir!"

Nihlus holds up a hand. "Tell me what I need to know, and I'll take care of it."

I let out a ragged sigh. If the timing is off by even a minute, Tali will surely die. And I'd never be able to forgive myself if I let dear, sweet Tali die again. It's bad enough that I could not stop her from being exiled, before. But when I chose to side with the geth against the quarians who had treated them so badly... It tore me apart to have to stand by and watch my friend take her own life.

"There's a quarian," I say. "Her name is Tali'Zorah vas N-- pardon me, Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. She has the evidence we need. Meet her in the access corridor near Chora's Den. And be prepared for a fight. Her life is in danger."

Nihlus nods tersely. "Is there anything else I should know?"

"Fist is working for Saren," I say. "Pick up the krogan Urdnot Wrex if you can. He's gunning for Fist. He'll probably be at C-Sec threatening people. Also, there's a turian C-Sec officer by the name of Garrus Vakarian whose assistance could prove invaluable against Saren as well. He'll be..." I think back for a moment, trying to remember where I'd hooked up with him. "Dr. Michel's clinic in the wards. Be ready for a fight there as well."

"Understood," Nihlus says. "I'll have a lot of questions for you, later. But right now, I will take care of this." He turns to leave the ship.

"Come with me, Shepard," Anderson says.

I sigh and follow after him reluctantly. I'd much rather be out there with Nihlus, making sure the job is done right. I fold my arms across my chest to stop my hands from shaking. I don't even _like_ Nihlus, and now I have to trust him with the mission _I_ should be doing right now!

I should have never said anything. I shouldn't have breathed a word to anyone about the time travel thing. Not even Captain Anderson. Fuck, I thought I could trust him. He always listened to me. He was the one person who always had my back. The one person who always believed me even when I was ranting about Reapers.

And now he thinks I'm crazy, I realize as I step back into the med bay in front of the captain.

"Ah, good, you're back," Dr. Chakwas says. "I've been analyzing the readings I took earlier."

"What do you make of it, doctor?" Anderson asks.

"It's very peculiar," Dr. Chakwas says. "It seems like her mind is older than her body is. Compared to the results from her last check-up, there seems to be more activity and development. I would venture that there are _years_ worth of extra memories in her head."

"And what of the unusual pattern you detected?" Anderson asks.

Dr. Chakwas gestures to some readouts that I can't understand and I'm sure Anderson doesn't either. "Strangely, I detected the same pattern in Nihlus's brain after he returned from Eden Prime. As different as human and turian physiology is, the same thing was present. I don't know what to make of it. Perhaps it has something to do with exposure to the Prothean beacon. Shepard wasn't exposed to the beacon, but perhaps she encountered something else of a similar nature while on leave at the Citadel?"

"Hmm," Anderson says thoughtfully, and nods shortly.

"Can we get this evaluation out of the way?" I say. "I would like to return to duty as soon as possible. Sir."

"You've been behaving erratically ever since the Normandy set out for Eden Prime," Anderson says. "Calm down and relax. You're about ready to snap."

I let out a sigh and look at the floor, and nod. "Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

* * *

I lay on my back with my hands under my head as I listen to Dr. Chakwas make her report to Captain Anderson.

"Aside from elevated stress, the results match up with her previous psychographic profile," Dr. Chakwas says. "Shepard has always been good at handling stress."

"I'm stressed because I'm stuck in here, relieved of duty, while someone else is out saving the galaxy," I grumble.

"Of course, she tends to prefer handling stress by shooting at things," Dr. Chakwas comments.

"Exactly!" I say in exasperation.

"Point noted," Captain Anderson says with a small grin. "Very well. I'm returning you to active duty, Shepard."

"Thank you, sir," I say, straightening and climbing to my feet.

"Let's head back to the Presidium," Anderson says as we head out of the med bay. "Nihlus and Alenko's teams agreed to meet back at Ambassador Udina's office once their missions were complete."

I tense involuntarily at the mention of Udina.

"What _did_ Udina do, anyway?" Anderson asks.

I scowl, glancing around the ship. I don't know what Dr. Chakwas knows or suspects, but I'm certainly not going to tell every member of the crew that I'm from the future.

"We can talk on the way," Anderson says.

We head out of the Normandy and take a cab to the Presidium. I take a moment to just look out at the sprawling arms of the wards stretched out beneath us, still undamaged by one attack or another, lit up like a thousand bright stars. So many people living here or just passing through, working, playing, trading, studying, _being_. How many died when the Reapers took this place? I don't know that I want to think too hard about it. Just that I won't let it happen again.

I'm calmer now, at least. Still nervous, still stressed, still wishing I could have helped, could have gone out and shot at something. But I'm not going to make myself look like a raving lunatic in front of Anderson anymore.

I bring out my omnitool and tap at it for a moment just to make sure that there's nothing in the cab monitoring our conversation. It's not just paranoia. I don't know _what_ someone like the Illusive Man would do if he knew there was a time traveler running around. I don't want to find out.

Even though I know that if I had no other options, I'd still turn to Cerberus for the sake of trying to save the galaxy. But they're even below the krogan on the list of desirable allies, and after seeing Urdnot Wreav in action, that's pretty damned low.

"You certainly seem better, Shepard," Anderson says as we fly over the wards. "I'm glad."

"I made so many costly mistakes the first time around," I say quietly. "I don't know what I'd do if I got a miraculous second chance, only to blow it again."

Anderson replies, "Probably contrive some way to get a miraculous third chance, because you're too damned stubborn to just give up. You didn't give up on Akuze. You didn't give up upon seeing the galaxy burning. And you're not going to give up now."

I chuckle softly. "You're right."

"What's done is done," Anderson says, shaking his head. "However, I need to know if Udina can be trusted as well."

"Absolutely not," I say. "I don't know _how_ long he was secretly working with Cerberus--"

"Cerberus?" Anderson says in alarm, raising an eyebrow.

I nod. "I blew him away myself when he tried to have the Council assassinated."

I don't mention the other part of that. That I had to shoot Ashley there too. Facing off against me, refusing to back down after listening to Udina's lies. Damned bastard has a lot to pay for, even if he hasn't actually done any of it yet. This time, I don't want to even give him the chance.

"Understood," Anderson says. "We can't cut him out entirely without being suspicious, and we're going to need him still for the moment... but we can be cautious."

We arrive at the Presidium and make for the human embassy. I can hear raised voices coming from inside before we even open the door, and have to sigh as I step inside. Everyone's there. Udina is in the middle of everything, and Nihlus is leaning against his desk, Tali next to him with her omnitool at the ready. Wrex stands off against the wall with his hands folded across his chest casually. Ashley is giving uneasy looks toward Garrus, who stands uneasily next to Kaidan.

It's like looking at a lineup of the dead.

"This was Shepard's mission," Udina is saying. "Why did a turian take it up instead?"

"Shepard was indisposed in the Normandy's med bay," Anderson says. "She's back on duty now, however, and the doc's given her a clean bill of health."

"Shepard," Nihlus says, looking over at me, mandibles flaring in the turian equivalent of a smile. "Glad you're here. Maybe you can help defuse this."

"I'm grateful to Nihlus and Wrex for helping me," Tali says. "They probably saved my life. But I will not stand for these humans mistreating me."

"I only came along because someone said you were trying to take down Saren," Garrus says.

Why do people always expect _me_ to play the diplomat? I put my hand to my forehead. "Udina," I say slowly. "There is no need to alienate our allies."

"Alienate?" Tali repeats. "That one turian down in the wards was right. You humans are all racist!"

I sigh heavily. "Poor choice of words, perhaps. I'm sorry."

Wrex snorts softly and stomps over toward me, poking at me with one huge finger. "And what part do _you_ play in all this? You weren't out there fighting with us. That turian didn't even let me kill Fist!"

"Yeah, I killed him myself," Nihlus says with a snort. "I'm a Spectre. I can get away with that."

"Like it would really matter!" Wrex says. "I shot plenty of his lackeys on the way in!"

Oh, for crying out loud. I roll my eyes a little, lean back, and then slam my forehead into Wrex. Ow, maybe I shouldn't have done that so hard. I don't have a reinforced skeleton any longer. I rub my neck.

Wrex looks at me incredulously for a moment, and then laughs. "Well, _this_ human certainly has a quad!"

I turn to the others. "We are on a mission of galactic importance. And... I can't do this by myself. I need your help. I need the help of everyone in this room." Even Udina, at the moment, much as I'd rather kiss a turian. "I can't force anyone into helping me. I'm not going to make promises you won't believe I can keep. So I'm asking. Help me bring down that bastard Saren and his allies. Please."

"I'm behind you all the way," Nihlus says.

"Shepard," Wrex says, nodding to me. "Count me in."

Ashley and Kaidan nod in agreement.

Garrus says, "Now that's a sentiment I can support."

"Alright," Tali says hesitantly, although she glares at Udina. How did I ever get so good at reading quarian expressions without being able to see their faces? "I'm grateful for my life being saved, and perhaps helping you with the geth will help the Migrant Fleet as well."

"I'm not one for giving flowery speeches, I'm afraid," I say with a crooked grin. "I'm just a soldier, not some politician. But... We can do this. I _know_ it."

"The sooner Saren is stopped, the better," Nihlus says with a hard expression. "Let's get Tali's evidence to the Council. They need to hear this."

Tali and I follow Nihlus up to the Council chambers. Udina scurries ahead of us quickly in a futile attempt to look like he's really the one in charge here. Me, I'm just glad not to be cooped up in med bay any longer.

I stand by as Tali plays the recording she'd recovered from the geth. Saren, planning to attack Eden Prime for the Prothean beacon. And Matriarch Benezia mentioning the return of the Reapers. The asari councillor recognizes and identifies the second voice.

"And what of these Reapers?" the salarian councillor wonders.

"They were mentioned in the information from the Prothean beacon," Nihlus says. "They were the entities that destroyed the Protheans fifty thousand years ago." Nihlus is much better than I am at couching this information so that it doesn't just sound like a hallucination or a bad dream.

"Hmm," the asari councillor says. "That may be true, but even so, that was millennia ago, and there has been no sign of any such thing in recent times."

"These Reapers, if they ever really existed, must be long gone by now," the turian councillor says. "Saren clearly just dredged up myths in order to get the geth to follow him."

"Regardless, what are you going to do about Saren?" Udina asks.

"We will revoke Saren's Spectre status immediately," the asari councillor says.

"That's it?" Udina says. "You must send a fleet to track him down!"

"A fleet cannot stop one man," the turian councillor says.

"Then send _us_ after him," I put in.

"You think _you_ can do this?" the turian says, looking at me dubiously.

The councillors look thoughtful for a few moments, and the salarian replies, "This could be a good opportunity to better evaluate Shepard's candidacy for the Spectres, since the last mission didn't work out."

"Nihlus can go along to provide backup and mentoring as originally intended," the asari councillor says, nodding.

Nihlus gives a nod. "That's an excellent plan. We will begin our preparations immediately."

"See to it," the turian councillor says, and that's a dismissal.

Maybe one of these days, I should bother learning their names. Provided they survive the next month.

"You will need a ship," Anderson says once we return to the embassy. "Can you handle this?"

He never had that sort of doubt in me before. "Absolutely, sir," I reply.

"I'm going to need to step aside," Anderson says. "I'm sure you know about my history with Saren."

"Yes, sir," I say, nodding tersely.

Tension. Hesitation. Doubt. I give Anderson a long, intense look. I _need_ the Normandy. After everything that's gone wrong already, I started to doubt whether I would wind up even getting command of her after all.

Nihlus breaks through the tension. "The Normandy's stealth systems would prove invaluable in scouting out the areas we may need to go."

"Of course," Anderson says.

"And do you intend these aliens to be part of the crew?" Udina says, looking doubtfully at the others.

"I don't care what species someone is, Ambassador Udina," I say, quietly clenching my fists. "I care that they can get the job done. These _aliens_ have offered their support and expertise toward a common cause, and I will more than welcome it."

"Of course," Udina says smoothly. "And despite setbacks, your candidacy for the Spectres is progressing well enough now. I will make the necessary arrangements."

Anderson gives me another long, appraising look, and finally says, "I'll see to the crew. I'll leave you to whatever else you may need to do on the Citadel. You'll be notified when everything is ready."

"Yes, sir," I say.

Everyone's gone their own separate ways for the moment, but I wind up wandering out onto the Presidium with Nihlus. There's so many things to be done, now that I'm free to do them, and all of them should be done as soon as possible.

"I'm starting to think you're a worker of miracles, Shepard," Nihlus says.

"Yeah, well, don't expect any more miracles out of me," I say, careful not to go into anything more specific than that since we're in a public place. "I'm touched by luck, and most of it is bad."

"Let's get some things done while we've got a moment to ourselves," Nihlus says. "Do some shopping. Pick up some supplies, and some more dextro rations, now that we've got a quarian and another turian on the crew. As well as any other side trips that might come to your own mind."

I nod. "I'll let you know if I think of anything."

"First things first, we'd best see about getting some better equipment," Nihlus says, gesturing to me to follow.

Nihlus leads the way down to the Spectre requisitions office and approaches the turian at the desk. He seems so casual and comfortable, but I recognize the same sort of tension in him that I saw in Garrus whenever something was bothering him. It hadn't really occurred to me before just how much Saren's betrayal must have hurt him, and not just in the attempted murder part. My mind involuntarily flashes back to Ashley, pointing her gun at me for the sake of protecting that bastard Udina -- Yeah, something like that.

"I'm equipping a team for an important mission," Nihlus says to the turian clerk.

"Name?" the clerk says.

"Nihlus Kryik, Council Spectre." He gestures to me. "And this is my protege, Matilda Shepard."

I make a face at the use of my first name. The best thing about being in the military, in my opinion, is the fact that nobody ever calls you by your first name.

"Spectre status affirmed," the turian says. He presses a button, and the door behind him flicks from red to green. "Go on in and take a look around."

Nihlus heads into the storage room. Rows and rows of weapons of various sorts line the racks on the walls. Further in the back, there's armor designed for different species as well.

"I took a look at the gun Wrex was using," Nihlus comments. "Solid enough for mercenary work, but I'm sure he'd appreciate some more firepower. What sorts of things would Tali and Garrus like?"

"A shotgun for Tali," I reply. "A sniper rifle for Garrus."

Nihlus glances over to me and asks, "Is something wrong?"

"No, of course not," I say. "Why do you ask?"

He turns back to examining the available sniper rifles. "I'm perhaps not the best at reading human body language, but you made an interesting expression when I introduced you to the clerk."

"Oh," I say. "I just don't like my given name."

"Why not?" Nihlus says. "Matilda. It's a good, strong name. Means 'battle-maiden' in an old Earth dialect, according to what I read. What's wrong with it?"

"It's also a very old-fashioned name," I say. "Nobody names their daughters 'Matilda' anymore."

"Ah. I see."

"My crewmates call me Commander Shepard. My friends call me Shepard."

"What did your family call you?" Nihlus asks.

"I don't have one," I reply with a shrug, picking up an assault rifle and testing its weight. "Didn't my records tell you that? I was raised on the streets of Earth. Never knew my real family. Which is probably just as well, considering my mother named me _Matilda_."

"I wasn't sure what it meant," Nihlus says. "I just find it hard to believe that someone couldn't have a family. Family's important to turians... I apologize."

"You're apologizing to me?" I say, looking at him in surprise.

"I said something insensitive when I should have been aware of your situation-- what are you doing?" Nihlus asks as I start tapping at my omnitool.

"Marking the date on my calendar," I reply. "Today, Nihlus showed that he wasn't a complete dick."

Nihlus stares at me for a long moment, and then laughs aloud.

"But really, it doesn't bother me," I say, grinning and lowering my arm. "Can't miss something I never had." I reach out to touch one of the weapons. "I do, however, miss my old sniper rifle."

"I'll see what I can do," Nihlus says, mandibles flaring in amusement.


	4. You're Not Alone

I sigh and put a hand to my forehead. "There's a million things to do and they all seem deathly urgent." It's just me and Nihlus alone in the briefing room, leaving us free to speak.

"Everything probably isn't so urgent that it needs to be done at once," Nihlus said. "And you don't need to do everything yourself, either."

"We need to go to Ilos and secure the Conduit," I say.

"Do you know where Ilos is?" Nihlus asks.

"It's beyond the Mu Relay," I say.

"Do you have the coordinates for the Mu Relay?"

I think for a moment, and then mutter, "Shit. It never occurred to me to _memorize_ those coordinates. I didn't exactly plan to go back in time." I sigh. "I don't have the coordinates. But I know where to get them, and hopefully faster than I did before. We can still get there ahead of Saren."

"Where to first?"

"Therum," I say, pointing to the map. "There's an asari there whose help we will need, who could wind up dead if we don't get there in a timely manner."

"Is that the most urgent place we need to be at the moment?" Nihlus asks.

I nod. "Definitely. She's about to get geth dropped on her head and a volcano erupting. If we lose Liara, we can kiss goodbye our chances of finding the Mu Relay in time to stop Saren."

Nihlus nods, his mandibles spreading in acquiescence. "Then if control as nothing else that needs attention here, let's be off. We can make more plans and arrangements when we're en route."

"Good," I say. "I'll be a little less antsy when we're moving, I think." I chuckle. "Sometimes I think the Council just hires Spectres to do things so they don't have to do anything themselves."

"I can't contradict that assessment," Nihlus comments.

We head out of the briefing room and down to the bridge. Joker looks up over his shoulder as we enter. He's sitting here expectantly, waiting for an order. Outside the windows, the arms of the Citadel can be seen, spreading out into space against the nebula.

"So, Captain Anderson is gone, and we're on some mysterious secret mission to save the galaxy or something," Joker says. "And with the turian Spectre in charge, you still want me to be piloting this ship?" 

"Joker," I say. "You're the best damned pilot in the fleet, and there's no one I would rather have in that chair than you."

"Who is actually in charge of this mission, anyway?" Joker asks.

"This is Shepard's ship, and my mission," Nihlus explains.

"They wouldn't have put the turian in charge of an Alliance frigate," I say. "If Udina had his say, there wouldn't be any aliens on the ship at all."

"Just to be clear, who is giving the orders?"

"I'm not even in your hierarchy," Nihlus say. "Technically, I can't even give orders to Shepard."

"Good to know," Joker says. "Orders, Commander? Are we heading out yet?"

I nod. "Set a course for the Artemis Tau cluster. We're heading for the Knossos system. Planet Therum."

"Aye Commander," Joker says, reaching for the controls to punch in the destination. "You can go back to your secret meetings about your secret mission now."

"And you can go back to your vast collection of explicit images," I say with a wink.

Joker groans and looks away as we leave the bridge.

I return to the briefing room with Nihlus. "At least that's one thing we'll be taking care of now."

Nihlus nods and leans against the table thoughtfully. "What else needs to be down? I'm sure there's something that needs to be done now that doesn't have to be done by us."

I sigh and slump down into one of the chairs, putting my head in my hands. "Yes, I think so. We'll need to go to Feros and Noveria ourselves. There are certainly some things that we don't need to handle personally. I don't think telling Cerberus not to be stupid would actually work, but someone can be sent in to clean up their messes. I'll put in a list of planets to be investigated and cleared out. There's a few other matters that won't come a head for a while, but would benefit from being prepared ahead of time."

"I can make sure that these planets are taking care of discreetly by putting in word at the right channels," Nihlus say. "It would be helpful if you could make a note of what to expect there so I can get the right sort of team sent in. I'll make sure to obfuscate where we got the information."

"Of course," I say. I rap my fingers on the table. "Aratoht... That's a batarian colony. Just telling them to evacuate wouldn't work very well. Can we discreetly arrange some reason why they would have to evacuate?"

Nihlus' mandibles twitch. "I didn't think I'd be going out of my way to save batarians. What's so special about Aratoht?"

"The Relay in that system is likely to open up and pour a fleet of Reapers into the galaxy in about two years time."

"I think that'll be enough time to prepare, and hopefully convince them that it's a bad place to be one way or another," Nihlus says. "I take it you didn't have two years to prepare for that before."

I shake my head. "The entire war led me to kill thousands to save millions, kill millions to save billions, and in the end I couldn't save anyone."

"We'll make sure it doesn't come to that." Nihlus walks around behind my chair and puts his hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

"Yeah..." I give him faint smile.

"Is there anything else that requires immediate attention, or can we take a moment to relax?"

"I'm not sure if I can remember how to relax," I say ruefully.

Nihlus' mandibles flick in amusement. "Maybe you just need a refresher."

I sigh, and nod. "You're probably right. I'm game. What do you have in mind?"

He puts his other hand on my shoulders and gently squeezes them. I let out heavy breath as he gives me a refreshing massage. Tension slowly bleeds from my body, and I lean into his hands. I knew I was stressed, but it's hard to realize just how stressed I could be.

"Oh, that feels good," I murmur wearily.

"You can't save the galaxy if you don't take care of yourself, too."

I close my eyes. "It just seems like there's so much to do. How can I hope to do it all fast enough?"

"We'll find a way," Nihlus says. "You don't have to do everything yourself. And I will keep saying this until you believe it."

"I don't know that I can."

Nihlus rubs his fingers over my neck, careful not to prick me with his talons. I can't say that I have ever gotten the massage from a turian before. "You try to make yourself look strong to the galaxy, but you are secretly just as vulnerable as anyone else."

"Don't tell anyone my secret," I say with a small grin.

"My lips are sealed."


	5. Fire the Fields

There are small scratches on my shoulders when I wake the next morning. Still, I'm feeling better about my chances today. If anything happens to me, the galaxy isn't lost. I left an encrypted file with Anderson, as well as others on something of a dead man's switch, containing all the information I can remember from future. Not just events, but things I have found out about planets, people, and organizations.

I head below decks to talk to my crew. I spent too long holed up in the briefing room with Nihlus, and although it was necessary to some extent, I have been neglecting the rest of my crew. I can't expect them to follow me into this crazy mission without ever talking to them.

"Shepard," Wrex says.

"Wrex," I say.

"So, we're off to hunt down Saren," Garrus says. "Where might he be? We have a few leads to track down."

I nod. "We're looking for Matriarch Benezia, and her daughter Liara. There's a few systems that we'll be looking into. Hopefully the Matriarch will be us to Saren."

"That was the other voice on the recording, they said," Tali says. "Do we know anything else about her?"

"Her daughter is an archaeologist and has been investigating Prothean ruins," I say. "She may have come across some information about the Reapers."

I'm going through old routines pretending that it's new. Pretending that I don't already know all of the answers. I give them uncertainty, doubt, and outright lies. I don't want anyone else to know that I have seen the future, that I know what terrible fate awaits us if we fail. Nihlus is the one who saw the Prothean vision this time around. He's the one who mysteriously has the answers. I'm just following his lead. At least, that's what I need them to believe.

I have a feeling that this is going to continue to be a common theme throughout this mission. I don't know how long I can keep up the ruse, but I will have to. I don't need anyone else thinking I'm insane and refusing to listen to me. And I certainly don't need Cerberus finding out, unless I have absolutely no other option to turn to in order to save the galaxy. I don't like to think what they might do with a time traveler.

I listen to stories I already know. I go through conversations I've already had. And honestly, I just appreciate the chance to see my friends alive and well again. I take joy in the simple things, even as just being down here makes me remember seeing the Normandy broken into pieces on a frozen world far from home.

With a heavy heart, I go up to the captain's quarters and slump down onto the couch. As nice as it is to see them all alive again, there's only so much of that I can handle of it at once. Even unexpected things bring back memories that I would sooner forget. But I can't forget.

The door beeps, alerting me to someone outside who wants to get my attention. I don't really want to get up at the moment, and I had best see who it is and what they want. I go over to the door, and push the button on the panel beside it to open it. Nihlus is standing outside. I relax a bit. At least this is one person who doesn't bring back any unpleasant memories. I saw him die, but it was over so quick and was so long ago that I hardly thought about it after everything else that happened. I don't know. Maybe it's because his death has already been averted. He might still die in the future, but I have yet to save the others from their fates.

"Nihlus," I say. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to see how you were doing," Nihlus replies. "Do you mind if I come in?"

"Yeah, sure." I gesture vaguely toward the interior of the room. "Have a seat, if you want."

Nihlus takes a seat at the table and pulls out of data pad. I sit down across from him to take a look, and he places it on the table between us. It shows the information that is known about the planet we're heading to.

"We will be arriving in the system soon," Nihlus says. "What do you remember about the layout of these ruins and what we're likely to face?"

I poke at the data pad and, laying out vague pathways and rooms. "It's been a long time, and I didn't expect I would have to remember this again. I think that's going to be the case for most things I'm afraid. I was generally more concerned with surviving and completing whenever mission I had than mapping things out."

"That's understandable," Nihlus says, looking over what I'm putting in. "I don't imagine it will matter in most cases."

"Probably not, although in some cases it will make a difference. Hopefully, I will remember where we're going to get there."

That might not necessarily be such a good thing, but if we're going to get through this we will have to rely upon my memories. I need to shoot something. Blowing up some geth will be a good way to let off some steam. I'm happy for the chance to see some action finally. You'd think I would be tired of all the fighting, after everything. But fighting is all that I really know. I don't know how to solve problems except with a gun.

We arrive in the system. I pile into the Mako along with Nihlus and Wrex. My heart pounds in my chest as we make the low orbital drop onto the surface of the volcanic planet. And for all time's sake, I let Wrex do the driving. I am clearly completely insane. But so long as he doesn't drive us into molten lava, I don't care. I just laugh as I sit that the turret and blast geth into pieces.

"At least someone is having fun here," Nihlus says wryly, practically holding on for dear life.

Wrex throws back his head and lets out a hearty guffaw. "The Spectre can't handle a little rough terrain?"

"It's not the terrain, just the way you're driving over it. I don't think there's a single bump or crevice that you've managed to miss so far."

"Hey, we're still in one piece aren't we?" Wrex replies. "I like this vehicle. I didn't think the humans could build something that was more tough than pretty."

I put in, "You're thinking of the asari."

We arrive at the Prothean excavation, and head down into the old ruins. The place already seems like it's shaking a bit, but maybe that's just my paranoia. I will try very hard not to cause the volcano to explode this time. Fortunately, with some foreknowledge of the area, we manage to make it through safely without causing too much damage.

Liara is alarmed to see us. We got to her before she could accidentally trap herself in an old defense field. Not by much, though, as she is fiddling with the terminal when we get there. A biotic aura surrounds her as we approach.

"Who are you?" she wonders. "I'm not sure that it matters, though. You're obviously not geth. Scavengers? Mercenaries?"

"I'm a Spectre," Nihlus assures her. "Let's get you out of here first. We can chat later."

Liara lowers her arms and lets the shimmering blue light around herself fade. "I have no idea what you're doing here, but I'm not going to argue about it for the moment. I'm just an archaeologist."

We get back up to the surface and call for extraction from the Normandy. There are still geth around that we're needing to shoot at, and at least the volcano seems to have stayed relatively stable for the moment. Was it my actions before that caused it to erupt, or did we simply arrive soon enough ahead of time that we were able to rescue her before it blew?

The crew assembles in the briefing room and Liara calms herself down sitting in one of the seats. "Rescued by a Spectre. Were you looking for my research for some reason, or coming after the geth activity?"

"Both, in a way," Nihlus says.

We explain to her about Saren and her mother. I let the others cover most of it. I have the others leave the room before we do her mind melding thing, ostensibly for privacy, but it's more because I have to wonder if she will find out about the time travel business from joining her mind with Nihlus.

"Embrace eternity..."

I close my eyes, not really wanting to watch this myself. Not that there's much to see, but it seems strange to see it from the outside. I have to wonder what it would have been like if I had let myself actually get close to any of the asari. But there had been no room for romance in the breakneck panic that surrounded the war. After losing so many people, I didn't even dare to think of it. How could I, when I was losing friends left and right? There was enough pain to go around.

"Shepard?" Liara's voice brings me back to the present.

"Sorry, I think I spaced out there for a moment."

"Are you all right?" Liara asks with some concern.

"I think we all need some rest," I tell her.

I don't know what she might have seen. I don't really know how the asari powers actually work. But I think she is one person that I will not be able to keep this a secret from. I sigh inwardly, and decide that will brief her on it tomorrow. She might not be the Shadow Broker yet, but I have a feeling that she would find out sooner or later anyway. I just hope she doesn't think I'm crazy.


	6. Stars are Slipping Down

"Do you really want to tell her about this?" Nihlus asks. "I'm sure I don't need to warn you of the risks. Once she's been told, she can't be untold."

"Yeah, I know." I sigh and put a hand to my forehead. "Of everyone here, though, she's the one most likely to figure it out on her own. Not to say that the others aren't smart, but Liara is definitely clever. In the future, she wound up being an information broker. The best in the whole damned galaxy. She killed the Shadow Broker and assumed the position. She was an invaluable resource in the war to come."

I wish that I had helped her with it. I didn't find out about it until after the fact, and she had lost a close friend during the fighting. Maybe things would have gone differently had I been there. Maybe she wouldn't have been so that lost and distant throughout the latter part of the war.

Nihlus's eyes widen and his mandibles draw in in surprise. "Ah. I can see what you mean, then."

I call Liara into the briefing room, and take a deep breath to steel myself. This had not done very well the last time, but circumstances are different this time. Liara is the newcomer here, not me, and there are already people here who know and accept my story. In a few minutes, Liara enters the room. It had only been a few years, and eye blink in the lifespan of asari, but she seems so much younger now. Everyone does, in a way, but it's most striking with Liara. A naive young woman, turning into a ruthless veteran. 

"This is fascinating," Liara says excitedly. "This is a glimpse into the Protheans that I never thought possible."

Nihlus nods. "The information imparted by the beacon was disturbing to say the least."

"But that isn't why we called you in here," I add. "Although it's a part of it. Have a seat. I think we are going to be in here while." 

Liara takes a seat across from us and one of the chairs. "What is this about, then?"

"This going to be tough to explain," I say.

"She's from the future," Nihlus says.

I smirk. "Well, that's one way of putting it."

"What?" Liara blinks in surprise and confusion.

"I was going to ease her into it," I say, chuckling. "Anyway, yes, I'm from the future in a way. I didn't come back physically. Only my mind and memories were returned."

"That's fascinating!" Liara exclaims, leaning forward and putting her elbows on the table. "How did you accomplish such a thing?"

I sigh and slump down in my chair. "Through a means that I don't care to repeat unless the situation is truly desperate, and I wish had not been necessary in the first place. We found plans in old Prothean archive, to a device that had been perfected little by little over the course of millions of years. It was supposed to save the galaxy from the Reapers. But in the end, it was all a lie. It was... It could have destroyed the Reapers. But it would have been at the cost of everything we have left. Victory came at too high a price. The galaxy burned. Entire species were wiped out. Worlds were devastated. Everyone I knew had died, and it was all because of things I could have prevented."

Her smile fades, and she looks down at the table, her initial enthusiasm bleeding out of her. "Oh..."

"I mean to stop it. I mean to prevent any of it from ever happening. And I need your help to do it."

Liara puts her head in her hands. "I'm sorry, this is a lot to take in, especially on top of the information from the Prothean beacon."

"I'd say take your time, but you know how it is," I say with a faint grin.

"What do we need to do?" Liara asks, looking up at me imploringly with deep blue eyes. "How can we prevent this all from happening?"

I let out a heavy breath. "This is going to take a lot of work. But right now, we need to find the Mu Relay. And then, well, honestly, we will probably have plenty of time to do all of the rest if I don't get myself killed then spent two years out of the action."

"Killed?" Nihlus's mandibles twitch.

"I'd say it's a long story, but that's pretty much the whole thing. I got spaced, then resurrected two years later by Cerberus. I wound up having to work for them for a while, but at least it was also in their best interest not to destroy civilization. At least up until the end, when the Illusive Man lost his shit. They want to try to control the Reapers rather than destroy them. I don't know about you, but that sounded like a terrible idea to me."

Liara draws in a sharp breath. "Who all knows about this?"

"Those of us in this room," Nihlus says. "Plus Captain Anderson and Dr. Chakwas."

"I will keep this quiet from the rest of the crew, then," Liara says. "I can understand why you would not want something like this to get out."

Once Liara leaves the room, I put my elbows on the table and put my hands on my face. "I don't know if I can do this."

"You don't have to do this alone," Nihlus reassures me.

"I thought that being in combat again would help, getting a chance to shoot things again, but it didn't. It really didn't. I feel like I'm constantly in combat anyway. That at any moment, my ship could be invaded by hostiles, attacked out of the black and blown up around me."

Nihlus taps the data pad laying on the table in front of him. "You don't have to come down and get into the combat. We can handle it."

"But I have to be there," I insist, pointing at the data pad, tapping its surface. "There might be details about the world that we are traveling on that may come to mind from me being there, that may make a difference. I don't want anyone to potentially be killed if there were some way I could have prevented it."

"Shepard." Nihlus reaches over and gently puts his hand on top of mine.

"I have to - I have to..."

"Shepard, breathe."

I lower my head, and tried to calm myself. "I'm sorry, I don't want to let people see me like this."

"It's all right," Nihlus says quietly.

"We'll be at Noveria soon enough. I'll have to get together before then. Benezia will be there, and there are things that have to be done, the –"

"We can handle it."

I breathe slowly, closing my eyes. "Yeah..."

"You don't have to come down to the planet. We can take care of it."

I shake my head. "I would be constantly worried about you."

Nihlus's mandibles twitch in amusement. "About me? I'm touched."

My cheeks flush. "I mean, about the mission. About the team. I would be worried that you would get hurt, or that you wouldn't all come back. Or that something horrible would happen."

"We can handle it," Nihlus repeats.

"There's rachni on the planet," I say. "They recovered an egg, from somewhere, and were trying to recreate the species. But they separated the young from the mother, and it drove them all mad. They will have to be killed. But the mother..."

"What happened?"

I take a deep breath. "We killed the rachni queen. I don't know that was the right move. That was not the last experiment Cerberus make the rachni. They showed up again, toward the end the war. And there was no hope for them, then. They killed krogan. They killed my friend. And the caused a lot of damage to our efforts."

"They were breeding a rachni queen?" Nihlus asks.

"This, among other things, is one of the lovely plans Cerberus came up with," I say dryly.

"Do you think things would have gone better had you spared her?"

I shake my head and make a helpless gesture. "Maybe. I don't think that it could have been worse. But then, how can I guess? Maybe it would indeed have been worse. No, I came back here to change things. And I don't know if the rachni were actually evil and xenophobic. I don't think I really thought they were. I got the impression that they had been corrupted somewhere along the way. But Wrex would not hear otherwise."

"So, Wrex shouldn't be there to face the rachni."

I look up at him, and say quietly, "If I didn't go down to the planet, what would I do?"

"Make notes. Make plans. Listen to music. Sleep. Watch a vid. Play some games."

I grouse. "I suppose I could work on some things..."

"It'll be all right," Nihlus says.

Maybe if he says that enough, I might start to actually believe him. As it is, I just find myself exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I don't think I can remember how to relax anymore. Maybe Nihlus has a point. I'm still jittery from rescuing Liara from the geth. I need to calm down. I'm no use to the galaxy like this.

"All right," I say, leaning back the chair with a sigh. "I will put together some more notes. Figure out what needs to be done when, who to contact, who can be an ally in how to get them on our side, who will be an enemy and will need to be disposed of, who could go either way depending on how they're approached. I think I've been putting a lot off. I just hope I'm not wrong."

When we arrive over Noveria, the space port calls up to ask for identification.

Nihlus goes up to the comm and says, "This is Nihlus Kryik, Council Spectre, aboard the SSV Normandy. I'm on an important mission. I expect you will be able to provide assistance."

There is a pause, followed by, "Confirmed. You are cleared for docking. We will assist in any way they can, Spectre."

I have a feeling that Nihlus will get things done a lot more easily than I did, in some ways, just like being a veteran Spectre. No one will question a turian Spectre like they did a human one. As Joker brings us down for a landing, Nihlus and I head below decks to gather the crew.

Near the entrance to the cargo hold, Liara is talking to Kaidan. "You can try some meditation techniques to mitigate your headaches," Liara says. "I can show you some when we get back from the mission, if you like."

"That would be nice," Kaidan says. "Thank you."

"We're heading down to the planet," Nihlus says, collecting his gear. "Liara, Garrus, you're with me."

Ashley looks over toward us. "I'll be with Shepard's team, right?"

I shake my head. "I'm not going."

"What?!" Ashley looks at me and shock. "I thought this was supposed to be your training mission. What's going on?"

I was kind of afraid of this. Coming up with some excuse to stay behind. Especially when I don't even want to stay behind.

"Dr. Chakwas wants me off the front lines," I say, figuring that she will back me up. She really didn't want me out there anyway. "I'll be providing support from aboard ship."

"So what are we supposed to do?" Ashley wonders. "Will the turians be doing our mission for us?"

I hold up my hand. "Gunnery Chief, you're out of line."

"Sorry, ma'am."

"While Nihlus's team heads out to find Liara's mother, I want the rest of you in town to gather information and take care of whatever other business comes up. Relax at the bar a bit if you like, but don't get drunk. You're not on shore leave. You're there to blend in and see which you can find out. Keep your weapons ready."

Ashley salutes. "Aye, ma'am."


	7. Taking Back My Dreams

"I'm glad you decided to sit this one out," Dr. Chakwas says, looking up from her medical equipment. "Your stress levels and be elevated again."

I grumble as I turn to slide off the bed and put my feet on the floor again. "I would rather be burning off stress by shooting at things."

"Has that been working?" Dr. Chakwas asks.

I sigh and shake my head. "I wish it did. Then it would be simple deal with."

"Have you been experiencing nightmares? Flashbacks?"

I nod. "Sometimes it seems like I can't turn around without seeing something that reminds me of some horrible memory. Without hearing or smelling something. And while I've been able to sleep, some dreams just keep coming back."

Nihlus's suggestion of sleep might not really help. I can't get that stupid child out of my head. The one I could not save, the one that Catalyst took on the appearance of, the one who taunted me with a choice that was not a choice.

"It's not exactly feasible to send you home, get you away from the action, get you into therapy. I'm not a psychologist, but I can offer some medication that might help."

"I don't want medication," I mutter, looking at the floor. "They're just memories. They can't hurt me anymore." I just need to stop them from happening again.

Dr. Chakwas sighs as well. "Suit yourself. Your condition is not severe enough that I can actually force you to take medical leave. I would, however, recommend at least recruiting a therapist onto the crew."

"Kelly Chambers," I say abruptly. I don't know she's involved with Cerberus yet, but either way, I want her out of there.

"Ah, you have someone in mind already? It would be good to have someone you are already familiar with that you can talk to."

I nod pensively. "I'll see if we can get her. I'm not sure she will be easy to find, but I think Liara would be up to the task."

I head back to my quarters to sit down review my notes. It seems like everyone was working a cure for the genophage. Saren and his false promises to the krogan. I had to kill Wrex on Virmire because of it. I had to kill Mordin to stop him from distributing his own cure. In the end, I don't even know if it was the right decision. Urdnot Wreav was an idiot. But the salarians had bribed me, and I needed their help with the war. And so I told myself that was for the best, all the while consigning the krogan to another thousand years of stillborn children.

After the note I have written on Kelly Chambers, I add another one for Mordin Solus. I'm going to need him I want to undo this mistake. If I am to save the galaxy, I don't need to to make sacrifices and trick people into doing what I want with false promises. I think a part of my guilt is all the terrible decisions that I thought I had to make, and I kept telling myself it was for the best, it was for the best, it was for the greater good, and in the end it was for nothing.

Moving on to the next item on the list. I'd like to take care of the Shadow Broker sooner rather than later. The information network will be invaluable in the war to come, and I wish I'd had access to it sooner. I jot down some notes and its location and how to best handle it. I don't know about pushing Liara into this so quickly, though. I suppose I'll have to try to ease her into it by getting her to track down some of the people and information that will need.

Morinth. She's been going around killing people. It seems like such a trivial thing in the face of so much destruction. I killed Samara just to get her on my side. In part, I thought Morinth would be more powerful, but it was also that I felt Samara would turn on me because of some of the decisions I was making. And after all that, Morinth was turned into a banshee and I had to kill her anyway. Maybe things can work out differently this time.

Thane. There's another one who could have had a better fate. He went out fighting rather than simply laying down to die from his disease, to save the salarian Councilor. Maybe these individual lives can make a difference in the big picture anyway. I'm just one woman, and yet, I would be delusional if I did not acknowledge what one person in the right place at the right time could accomplish.

EDI. The AI on Luna. She deserves the chance to live, but I don't like the idea of Cerberus getting their hands on her. I'll think of something.

Javik is still asleep on Eden Prime. I would woken him up while we were there, had I been allowed to go down to the planet. We can go pick him up sometime.

As I am trying desperately to think of anything else that might possibly help, Joker's voice comes over the comm, "Commander, the crew is returning from the mission."

I lock my data pad and stand up. "Thanks, Joker. Tell them to meet me in the briefing room for debriefing."

I head up to the briefing room and take a seat, putting the data pad on the table in front of me. I'm glad we moved the table in here before we left the Citadel. What's the use of having a set of chairs around in a circle with no tables? Tables are very useful. You can put things on them. You can lean your elbows on them. You can bang your head into them.

"We found Matriarch Benezia," Nihlus says, glancing aside Liara in some concern. "We could not save her. She had been mentally influenced by the Reaper Sovereign."

Liara is understandably distraught about her mother. Her head bowed, and Kaidan put a hand on her shoulder comfortingly. Wait. Kaidan and Liara? That's new. What changed? The first time around, I might have expressed some interest in Kaidan, but I didn't really pursue him seriously under the circumstances. Notwithstanding that I am his commanding officer, the situation did not really leave room for romance and all. Liara expressed interest in me throughout the war, despite the fact that I repeatedly rebuffed her advances. Maybe this time, she realized early on that I am unattainable, and focused herself elsewhere. I'm happy for her, really. They're cute together. I want to just make sure they survive.

"We also took care of the rachni the scientists there were attempting to breed," Nihlus says, looking at me meaningfully, his mandibles spreading.

"They were doing what?" Wrex exclaims. "Are they insane?"

"That is very likely," Nihlus says dryly.

"My team took care of some business in town," Ashley says. "And smuggled weapons, for some reason." She looks askance at Wrex.

Wrex shrugged innocently. "What?"

"We found some crates full of geth," Tali says. "Saren apparently brought them and left them there."

Wrex adds, "We also shot up some guys and got a dirty salarian arrested."

"Wrex, that's a bit racist of you," Garrus puts in.

"Hey! This one actually was dirty," Wrex says. "Also an asshole."

Once we've concluded the debriefing, the others file out and leave me alone with Nihlus for the moment. I unlock my data pad and hand it to him to peruse.

"This would be so much easier if we could just convince the Council to remove a certain piece of artwork from the Presidium," I grumble. "Or at least allowed us to station a crack military unit there."

Nihlus looks up from the data pad. "You say Saren will be on Virmire. Couldn't we ambush him there?"

"He'll have Sovereign with him," I reply. "We can't fight a Reaper by ourselves. And not quite sure what happened there. I was fighting him, and winning. And then he suddenly got the upper hand and escaped." I rub my head. "I wish I could remember the details better. I know this will be important. I don't want this to turn into such a disaster at the Citadel and the first time. But Anderson will make sure the Alliance fleet is there to protect them, at least."

He lays the data pad on the table and puts his hand on my arm. "We'll figure it out. If we have to continue doing what we know will work, then so be it. I know it's frustrating. But we have a head start on it, and we know what he will do, and where he will be. That can make all the difference in and of itself."

I nod, and force a smile at him. "I'd better go talk to Liara. I have some people I want to see if she can find." I start to stand up, but Nihlus keeps his hand on my arm and holds up his other hand the gesture to me to stay put.

"Maybe you should wait a bit. She just lost her mother, after all."

I sigh, and sit back down. "You're right. I just... got a little overenthusiastic, and it seems like there's so much that I want to get done as soon as possible."

I just hope that Kaidan can comfort her. Because I certainly can't. I've shed too many tears over those I could not save. I don't think I can shed any more. So many died before my eyes, that if I stopped to mourn for all of them, I would have no time left to fight. And now, even though I came back in time to save everyone, realistically, I realize that I probably can't. And I think the only one I would even cry for is Nihlus.

I really don't know what to think of that.


	8. Building Up Hope

While sitting at the table in the mess hall, I see Kaidan come out of the medical room. I take it this means Liara is alone now. I didn't want to interrupt them. I give it a few minutes, finishing up my dinner, before heading and back to the storage room she has taken up as her quarters and office.

"How are you doing, Liara?" I ask, taking a seat in one of the chairs. 

"I am fine," Liara replies. "Is there something you need?"

Well, she's keeping it professional and not propositioning me out of the blue this time. I silently thank Kaidan for that. I pull out my data pad it on the desk.

"There are some people and information was hoping you might be able to help with finding," I say, looking down at the data pad.

Liara nods. "I will see what I can do. Give me the details."

"A human woman by the name of Kelly Chambers," I begin with. "She might have a connection with Cerberus."

"Someone you need out of the picture?"

"Not in a bad way," I assure her. "She's a good person, and I'd like to recruit for, and keep her from getting tangled up with them."

"Ah, I see." Liara nods.

I kind of hope she isn't already thinking about flaying people alive with her mind. "The next on the list is a salarian scientist by the name of Mordin Solus." I pause, thinking about salarian naming conventions. "If there's more to his name than that, I don't know it."

"A scientist?" Liara asks. "What are you hoping for him to do?"

"Cure the genophage," I reply. "Someone else might get it wrong."

Liara's eyes widen. "No small thing you're asking for there. Dare I ask why?"

"We're going to need the krogan on our side against the Reapers. We need to give them hope for future. We need them at full strength and loyal to us."

"Understood," Liara says.

"A drell assassin by the name of Thane Krios," I say thoughtfully. "Hmm, a thief named Kasumi Goto, a mercenary named Zaeed Massani. Humans." I'm not so sure about Zaeed. I did leave him to die before. But maybe things can be different this time, and he doesn't have to die either.

"I'm guessing you will need something stolen and someone killed?"

I grin. "You can say that." I sober as I come to the next item on the list. "An asari named Morinth."

"You wish to recruit her as well?" Liara says.

I shake my head. "No, I want her dead. But her mother will want to be the one to do it. a justicar named Samara."

"I see," Liara says. "What did Morinth do? Anything else about her?"

"She's an Ardat-Yakshi," I replied, and Liara's face grows serious. "She's been murdering people for hundreds of years, especially targeting bright young artists. She's clever enough to cover her tracks well, needless to say. Finding her won't be easy."

"If she's eluded capture all of this time, I would imagine not," Liara says. "But she certainly sounds like someone worth stopping. And certainly sounds dangerous. I'm sure you realize that we asari don't like talking about the Ardat-Yakshi. But you obviously already know about them. But this will only make finding information all the more difficult, on top of already covering her tracks."

I nod. "I'm sure you're up to the task, though."

"I'll do my best," Liara says with a flicker of a smile. "Are there any other impossible tasks you would like me to attempt?"

"Not at the moment, but I'll let you know if I think of anything else."

"I'd best get started them."

I head out and let her do her work, and make my way down to the cargo hold to speak with the rest of the team. They always seem to be busy down here, cleaning weapons, performing maintenance on the Mako, and doing training exercises. Wrex is off to the side with the weapon Nihlus bought him on the Citadel.

"Wrex," I say.

"Shepard."

"Sounds like that got a bit of use back on Noveria," I say, tilting my head toward the gun.

Wrex grunts. "It does the job. Need something?"

"Just wanted to discuss a few things with you."

Wrex doesn't look me, continuing to be focused on his weapon. "Planet we're heading to next? Feros, was it?"

"A human colony, built on some old Prothean ruins," I say. "But that's not what I meant to talk to you about."

"So, what is it?" Wrex says. "Want me to entertain you with old war stories? Tell you all about some shitty piece of armor that's some family heirloom or something? Chat about how awful the genophage is? Unless you're offering a cure, I don't really want to go into it."

"I am," I say simply.

Wrex gives me an odd look. "This is a joke, right. If this is a joke, it's in bad taste."

"I'm not joking."

He puts down his gun on the work bench and turns toward me. "You can't be serious."

"I'm no scientist," I say, "but I swear to you, one way or another, I will try."

Wrex is quiet for a long moment before finally saying, "Why?"

I sigh. "Honestly, I can't imagine why any sane and reasonable sentient being would think it was a good solution to anything in the first place. Salarians meddle because they can't fight as well as you. But they aren't all crazy, and some of them are willing to put their lives on the line despite that. And honestly, right now, we have bigger problems than worrying about who can out breed who."

Wrex looks at the thoughtfully, then nods. "Fine. I can trust that motivation, at least."

"We might have stood a better chance if the damned salarians hadn't effectively neutered our hopes of it." I make a face and pinch the bridge my nose. "Maybe that was a poor choice of words."

Wrex snorts in amusement. "I'd say it was exactly the right choice of words. Well, we stopped the rachni. We can stop the Reapers. And then what? Will we be thrown away a second time, when the galaxy is done with us?"

"Not if I have anything to say about it." I close my eyes and think of a thousand worlds burning and sigh. "I -" I pause and draw in a breath. "Nihlus described what he saw in detail. They wiped out the Protheans. They wiped out untold numbers of civilizations before us. If the Reapers wipe everyone else out, but the krogan win, you know, I'm fine with that."

Even the krogan would not have survived, last time. I made sure to neuter their second chance at it. I won't make the same mistake this time. They're strong. Maybe they can survive where everyone else fails. I don't want to have to sacrifice the galaxy, but I will not fail this time. What did they all die for? Why did they all die? What was the point?

Wrex is staring at me. "Nihlus told you," he says flatly.

My heart is racing, and I open my eyes to look him like a deer caught in the headlights. Damnit, I hate people to see me like this. The worst of it is that I don't want them to know why. Am I just treating my team like they're stupid? Is it only Liara that I can trust with this secret? I've never had a chance to get to know and trust Wrex before. He turned on me at Virmire and I had to kill him. Can I trust him this time? That will remain to be seen. I honestly don't know how many of them I can trust. Maybe I'm just asking the wrong question of myself. How can I make them trust me?

I nod distantly. "Yeah. Yeah."

I have no answers. You'd think it would be easier, the second time around. But it seems the first time around, all I did was make mistakes. I alienated people, sacrificed people, watched the galaxy slept through my fingers. Maybe some other Shepard could give speeches, built bridges, bring an end to age old struggles, get enemies to unite toward a common cause. I'm not that Shepard. But I have to try anyway.

Leaving Wrex to get back to what he was doing, I head over to the engine core, where Tali is. She was liked spending a lot of time down here, whichever version of the Normandy it was. Like Garrus and his damned calibrations. Speaking of which, I need to get him a giant gun to calibrate. As much as I like the original Normandy, realistically, it won't hold up against the Reapers. How am I going to manage getting the SR-2 built? I'll worry about that later. I'll arrange the construction myself if I have to.

"Shepard!" Tali says in cordial greeting.

"How're you doing, Tali?"

"Your ship is amazing!" she replies. "And with fighting the geth, I think I can find out a lot more about them, and bring back a fine gift from my Pilgrimage."

"I hope so," I say.

"Are you just humoring me? I wouldn't expect a human to know about the Pilgrimage."

I chuckle softly. "Yes, I know about it. And I'm not going to ask you about your immune system, or whatever else."

"Well, that's a bit surprising, but appreciated," Tali says. "I'm hoping to bring back something good for Pilgrimage. Something about the geth that could help us take back our home world."

I think back to the battle over Rannoch, about how was the quarians who instigated everything and refused to acknowledge the idea of peace. This was why I sided with the geth. The damned quarians try to blow up a ship with me on it. They were so intent upon war, and they got it, despite the best efforts of the geth. It was all a needless loss of life. This is one war I want to head off before it even starts.

"How about actually getting your home world back?" I say pensively.

"What?" Tali says in surprise. "That would take a fleet to drive back the geth. But, if the geth are working with Saren... That's true, we might need to take the fight to them."

"I can't promise you Rannoch," I say. "But I can promise to try."

"That's already more than anyone else ever gave us. Thank you, Shepard."

I head over to the weapons locker to check my own gear. It would be a shame if this lovely weapon were to sit here collecting dust. I still want to go out and fight, but the horrible image of the colonists of Feros going mad and attacking me, leaving me to have to slaughter them all, has burned itself into my mind. There has to be a better option, I tell myself. But there's no way of knowing if I don't go out there and try. Or maybe Nihlus can simply do the job better than me in the first place.

As I go to leave the cargo bay, I overhear Wrex talking to Tali. "She makes big promises. Do you think she can deliver?"

Tali replies, "I don't know. But she promised to try, and that's good enough for me."

"Yeah, I'll give her the chance. But I'm not holding my breath."


End file.
